A List of My Most Hated (Volume 1)

I have made reference to some of my most hated films.  Before I begin, I would like to give some explanation.  One film on here will have some cult enthusiasts screaming.  It was meant to be that way.  It was a labor of love.  Maybe…but that does not excuse poor quality of film.  Many other cult films have that same enthusiasm and are far superior.  The Evil Dead trilogy is an example of this.  And the rest…well, they are Hollywood schlok. Most were created as a star vehicle or an adaptation of something and therefore tried to capture the nostalgia of that item.  It does not work whatsoever.  So, without further ado, here is the first of some of my most hated films…

Scooby-Doo (2002)-This is it.  My least favorite movie of all time.  A film that is assault on good taste, entertainment, and celluloid.  This was an adaptation of the old (NOT classic) cartoon.  It features all the characters, including Fred (Freddie Prinze Jr.), Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar…who was already in a far superior “Scooby Gang”) and Shaggy (Matthew Lilliard).  And the dog.  That stupid, pathetic dog.  It is annoying character, one of the most loathsome ever.  The fact that it was CGI demonstrates that so much money was wasted. It is heartbreaking. The group gets called to solve..some sort of mystery at an amusement park.  There really isn’t one.  It is just a showcase of nostalgia for a property that has done nothing to deserve it.  I seriously cannot discuss this film any more without breaking down.  To borrow from Ebert,  I hated this movie.  Hated hated hated this movie.  See what it does to me?  I have to go to others in order to properly express my hatred.

Bad Boys II (2003)-This is the most sickeningly violent film I have ever seen.  I explained most of this in my overview of Michael Bay.  Bay never gives pause to the violence.  He simply moves from one item to the next without nary a pause.  And frankly, that sort of thing is downright painful.  For example, one chase scene involves drug dealers dumping bodies out of the back of a truck.  The corpses’ heads are run over by cars and pop off like grapes.  Most fraternity boys would read this description with a chorus of “cool.”  But it isn’t. It shows a darkness in the human spirit to exclaim  I want to know what is going on. I want to know who those people are.  Are the families of the bereved going to simply not care?  What about the officers?  The two seem to perform these acts with glee.  They also car jack people (one “funny” scene involves them letting someone go as there car is not stylish enough).  I would describe the plot…but there isn’t one.  This is one of the few films that gave me a migraine watching it.  When the simple act of watching a film makes you sick, the filmmakers are in trouble

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)-I don’t know what exactly this is.  Well, alright, I do know.  It was an attempt to give some legitimacy to a typical summer action movie by adding in Victorian pulp fiction characters.  First off, I have never read this particular graphic novel.  However, I have read most of Alan Moore’s other works and  I know that he is much smarter than this.  His point was perhaps to make an ensemble piece of such fascination characters meeting.  The film doesn’t have that.  It involves the team being assembled to investigate a bank robbery and stop World War I from starting.  How are those two connected?  I have tried to answer, but cannot find one.  I also do not know who this film appeals to.  Certainly not people familiar with the works: the characters have  been so distorted that they become unrecognizable.  Certainly not Alan Moore fans: the fim removes his IQ and leaves nothing but the explosions.  Luckily it failed.

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)-A perfect example of why Lindsay Lohan’s career was destined for failure.  It follows a teenage drama queen moving to a new school (away from New York, which she considers a paradise…showing that she has probably never actually visited the city.) She tries to get into a concert by her favorite band, Siddarthur (if any audience member actually knows who Siddartha Gautama is, hthen they are not in the demographic for this movie.)  I don’t know why this film affected me in such a negative way.  Maybe because it tried to aim itself much higher than it deserved. For example, the music teacher writes a musical version of Pygmailion, apparently having never heard of My Fair Lady.  Such a lack of intelligence deserves to be punished.

Forbidden Zone (1980)- Proof that some passions are best left hidden from the world.  The film was directed by Richard Elfman, the brotehr of Danny Elfman and the cofounder of the performance art troupe The Mystic Knights of Oingo Boingo.  First off, I like Oingo Boingo and own a few of their albums.  Second, I will priase the soundtrack: for the most part, it is very good and does a wonderful job of combining the big band sound with African tribal music.  But, when it comes to the actual film…well, first off, it makes positively no sense.  I don’t mind films being “weird,” but I do mind them being obtuse for the sake of being obtuse.  OK, it has something to do with the Hercules family (no relation to the Greek Herakles, apparently), move to California.  There house contains a portal to the Forbidden Zone, their daguther Frenchie finds it, it is ruled by Nick-Nack from The Man With A Golden Gun, and somewhere in there a man’s head is grafted onto a chicken because the filmmakers thought this might be funny.  They were mistaken.  I must emphasize that I usually like cult films due to the passion of the filmmakers involved.  What is shown is exactly what the filmmakers intended.  But in this case, what the filmmakers intended was something that never should have been done.  Buy the soundtrack…avoid the film like a leper.


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